Where did that come from?

So I am getting ready for my big move. 10 days to go! I've been busy too with social events like a bachelorette party/getaway last weekend and tomorrow I am going to a friends cottage for the weekend. This doesn't sound like a lot of things but I am such an introvert and all of the socializing can really tire me out.

Nonetheless, I've packed my camping gym bag for another weekend of tanning and saying goodbye to our old friends as we are all going in different directions for school this fall.

While these are all celebrations and things to look forward to, I've been having pop-up panic attacks throughout the week. I've come to understand my anxiety and I used to suffer a lot from panic attacks growing up but they sordove dwindled after grade 12. Here and there I will have a flare up but this last week has been very difficult.

Usually, something triggers my panic attacks and I can see them coming and sometimes talk myself through them pretty efficiently but these ones come out of nowhere and it takes a good 20 minutes for me to catch my breath (compared to the usual 3-5 minutes).


I hope I can get them under control and I hope it doesn't interfere with my new school and apartment.

Thanks for the read and I hope you're enjoying the heat (if there's heat where you are! :) )

xoxo

- A

Just not cut out for it

So I've been back at my summer place for a week now and I must say, I'm not getting back into the swing of things.

I've been getting extremely overwhelmed and stressed out and tonight I actually had a breakdown in the middle of the rush and started crying in the middle of the kitchen/main side stand in front of all of the staff.

I'm just so frustrated. I have been serving since first year.. which means I've been serving for 4 years now. Mind you, I've served on and off and at a bunch of different places because I move away for school and home for the summers. But I'm still a weak server. At this point I think I've come to terms with the idea that I just suck at serving. Some people can do it and others can't. I'm one that can't. My friend has been serving for maybe two years now and she handles so many tables and gives good service and keeps a cool head. I get 4 tables and I start panicking.

While I know that I don't plan on turning serving into a career, I don't know if I should just walk away from it all-together. Serving is a career for many people and they can make more money than people sitting behind a desk. I'm not blind to the stigma around serving as a career. I commend you if you do this for a living. It takes a strong, smart, collected and quick-thinking person to be able to handle this profession.

I need the money desperately for school but if I'm a weak server, I know I'm a burden for the rest of the staff and that makes me feel shitty. I know how annoying it is to have a weak link and in this case, I'm the weak link.

I hope I figure it out I guess. Thanks for the read. I needed to flush it out because I've been tossing and turning for the last hour going over the stress of tonight's shift.

Hopefully now I can get some sleep and prepare to do it all again tomorrow.

xoxo

- A

New Year Same Debt

Hey readers,

It's been a while since I've blogged but...

nothing has really been going on
things have been going well

Those are lies. I enjoyed my break off but came back in the new semester to be completely bombarded with work and readings. It's week two and I am already overwhelmed.

Yesterday was my first shift back at the diner so I've been off for about a month and was so nervous to start back up after being off so long. You lose the flow.

We were short a person so it was only me and another server and of course we got SLAMMED.

I was so overwhelmed and my owner kept yelling at me and I was just on the verge of tears from the start of my shift at 10:00 am till we closed at 3. For my whole shift, the restaurant stayed full and I had to end up telling people to leave after we closed. I ended up making $120 which is like insane for that job but it was just so not worth the stress. I went home and napped for a couple hours because of how mentally drained I was.

I need the money though, I literally don't know how I am going to pay for second semester because my student loan gave me hardly anything this year so I don't really know what I am going to do about it.

I plan on talking to the financial aid office at the university (who deals with the government student loans) and maybe there was an error in my funding or we can come up with a solution.

Overall, I feel a little over worked but life ain't easy.

Forget it Jake, it's China Town

xoxo

- A