Life on the other side

It's been a hot minute. A lot has happened in that hot minute let me tell you.

I know I hardly had readers when I was trying to blog actively so maybe this random blog won't get a view. If that's the case, I'm writing this blog more for me than for you.

I've hung up my pen and notepad for good and let me tell you how much my mental health has been soaring because of it.

Serving is a GREAT way to make money. Truly, that's why it took me so long to walk away from it. You work a couple shifts a week during school, make a bunch of cash and go on with your studies. For me, serving gave me the most anxiety I have ever felt and at points, I wished that my car would go (gently) into a ditch on the way in and I would miss my shift. Damn my good snow tires for never making that a reality (haha).

This summer, I took on a job that was in the field I am going to school for and it just felt so much better for me. There are some people who make a wonderful career out of serving. They like it, they're good at it and it pays their bills. I hated it and I sucked at it. I was constantly feeling inadequate because I couldn't do it and other staff members were constantly annoyed with my smaller sections and I was just so anxious all the time.

I just stopped one day and said 'I need to walk away'. And I did just that. I am finishing up my second chunk of education and I am about to transition into the working world. More importantly, into the field I want to be in.

I am happy to say that I woke up one day and made the decision that the tips weren't worth it for me anymore.

Thanks for the read. I hope you are all doing well and if you're a server, I hope that holiday tipper gets seated in your section soon.

xoxo

- A

PS. It's been over a year since I served a table and I STILL get server nightmares from time to time!

Where did that come from?

So I am getting ready for my big move. 10 days to go! I've been busy too with social events like a bachelorette party/getaway last weekend and tomorrow I am going to a friends cottage for the weekend. This doesn't sound like a lot of things but I am such an introvert and all of the socializing can really tire me out.

Nonetheless, I've packed my camping gym bag for another weekend of tanning and saying goodbye to our old friends as we are all going in different directions for school this fall.

While these are all celebrations and things to look forward to, I've been having pop-up panic attacks throughout the week. I've come to understand my anxiety and I used to suffer a lot from panic attacks growing up but they sordove dwindled after grade 12. Here and there I will have a flare up but this last week has been very difficult.

Usually, something triggers my panic attacks and I can see them coming and sometimes talk myself through them pretty efficiently but these ones come out of nowhere and it takes a good 20 minutes for me to catch my breath (compared to the usual 3-5 minutes).


I hope I can get them under control and I hope it doesn't interfere with my new school and apartment.

Thanks for the read and I hope you're enjoying the heat (if there's heat where you are! :) )

xoxo

- A

A day late and a dollar short

So if you are familiar with post-secondary education, you must understand that the month of November is when all of the school fun stops because you are just being completely bombarded with assignments and midterms.

This semester is not holding back. Every time I feel like I got a bit ahead, I realize that there is no such thing as being ahead, but just 2 steps away from the monster that is chasing you and hot on your trail.

Work is good. I wish I was working more than one three hour shift a week. I did that at my old place and usually took home around 80 dollars a shift. I seem to average 50 at the diner which just isn't cutting it.

I have a bit of a funny story for you that I've been trying to find time to write about. A couple weeks ago I was changing and refilling the little bottles of hot sauce that we keep on the tables at the diner. One had been clogged so I aimed it at the sink and squeezed it as hard as I could. Like a complete idiot.

Of course it came out and I was squeezing the bottle so much that it splattered all over the place and hit me in the face, eyes, pretty much my entire upper body. I literally finished my shift splattered in hot sauce. My skin was burning (I took the time to wash it out of my eyes at least) and a customer had the nerve to laugh and call me a chicken wing.

Let's just say when I came home, my roommates became hysterical over my bad luck and poor decisions.

Anyways,

These last couple of weeks have just felt like two steps forward one step back. At least we are slowly getting closer to Christmas break. I finish exams really early this semester so I will get to enjoy the Christmas season without being covered in hives resulting from school stress (true story).

If you are in school, it sucks but just keep going! We are in the darkest part of the tunnel but when the light begins to show, you'll forget how far down you were.

and if you're a server. I hope you at least have a funny experience because even serving can suck your soul dry sometimes.


xoxo

- A

Nothing

Well the restaurant didn't even email me back. Isn't that always lovely.

I just wish they didn't avoid it so much and just address it. It seems a bit unprofessional to me, but who am I to complain?

I actually got an interview on the spot today at a mom and pop place down the street from me and she seemed to really love me. She gave me a piece of the menu (an all day breakfast menu) to have memorized for Saturday. It sounded like if I did a good job with it, she would take me on. Little does she know she was talking to a person who memorizes 15 pages of brain function review notes three days before an exam. It's in the bag. I've already memorized about 75% of it in the few hours of having it. I am just nervous about not making enough money in a little diner like that. I don't know how busy it gets but when I was there at noon, there were 2 tables. It's better than nothing and I truly loved it there. I always had a dream of serving at a little diner like that (don't ask why, I have no idea) so it might give me different things that the chain restaurants didn't.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

The Blonde (whose blog I absolutely adore, by the way) asked me to expand on me having my mother quit for me at my old job, and I thought it'd be a good story so here goes!


I had only been getting one shift a week at the restaurant and I experienced anxiety when working because I just couldn't get better. I kept getting weeded every shift and I knew that the staff saw me as a weak link. Well, I had been secretly evaluated one night and my manager very nicely told me that if  I don't get my act together in two weeks, i'd get canned. I spent the next week until my next shift driving myself ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. My anxiety about going back after they affirmed my thoughts about them thinking I sucked became too overwhelming, I missed classes and just kept inside my room.

Finally, the night before my shift, I called my mom at like 2 in the morning having a huge breakdown. The only thing that soothed me was her telling me to just quit. I didn't need the stress and my parents would help me financially. So the next day, I begged her to call them and quit for me. She had picked me up that morning and brought me back to my parents home (so my real home) so I was there when she did it. She got the asshole manager that was so rude to her and she lost her mind on him. She asked for the owners number and got into contact with her. She pretty much just said that I felt cornered and wasn't really given support even though I have diagnosed anxiety. The owner talked it out with my mom and my mom got me my job back (even though I didn't want it at the time though I would appreciate it later). It's not like my mom begged her, the owner told her that she totally understands and wanted me to come back if I wanted to.

Long story short, while that ended well, I think it ruined my chances of coming back.

Pray to the server gods that I get this job readers!

xoxo

- A

Breakdown

Hey readers, if there even are any,

I am writing this post in an attempt to help calm my nerves and mind. I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember and it likes to come and go periodically. These last couple weeks of work have been the worst. On Friday night it got so bad that I had an anxiety attack in the middle of my shift and had to go stand by the dumpsters as I hyperventilated and cried hysterically. It was embarrassing to have my co-workers see me like that.
My shifts on Saturday and Sunday caused so much stress and anxiety that I just sat in the parking lot after my shift ended because I couldn't even drive I was so worked up.
I know you probably think "then just quit your job if its that bad". I can't. I am only at this place for 2 more months and then I go away to school. I won't be able to find a job and make money (which I REALLY need) for the last 2 months of summer so I am stuck there. On top of it all school has been really stressful as well. I have been getting through it but this week has just been my breaking point. On top of that, I have been having a bit of home issues as well.

Everything combined has just made me feel incredibly defeated and I just want to give up and say f*ck everything. I want to just lay in my bed for hours and not do anything.

But I can't.

I'm sorry that this post is so depressing and is just me with my scattered thoughts rambling but it just feels better writing down my thoughts. It makes it feel real and may even help me to release some of the stress.

If you're reading this and have struggled or are struggling with mental health issues I just want to say, I get it. It f*cking sucks being your own worst enemy or thinking about something over and over and over and over causing you to stress out until you can't even bear the thought of facing it. You're not alone. I'm not alone.

But getting through the rough patch is like when you start getting out of the weeds at work. You feel like you climbed a mountain and even though it was the hardest thing ever, you forget the struggle as soon as you see the amazing view.

I will get to the top of this mountain soon, and you will too.

xoxox

- A