Life on the other side

It's been a hot minute. A lot has happened in that hot minute let me tell you.

I know I hardly had readers when I was trying to blog actively so maybe this random blog won't get a view. If that's the case, I'm writing this blog more for me than for you.

I've hung up my pen and notepad for good and let me tell you how much my mental health has been soaring because of it.

Serving is a GREAT way to make money. Truly, that's why it took me so long to walk away from it. You work a couple shifts a week during school, make a bunch of cash and go on with your studies. For me, serving gave me the most anxiety I have ever felt and at points, I wished that my car would go (gently) into a ditch on the way in and I would miss my shift. Damn my good snow tires for never making that a reality (haha).

This summer, I took on a job that was in the field I am going to school for and it just felt so much better for me. There are some people who make a wonderful career out of serving. They like it, they're good at it and it pays their bills. I hated it and I sucked at it. I was constantly feeling inadequate because I couldn't do it and other staff members were constantly annoyed with my smaller sections and I was just so anxious all the time.

I just stopped one day and said 'I need to walk away'. And I did just that. I am finishing up my second chunk of education and I am about to transition into the working world. More importantly, into the field I want to be in.

I am happy to say that I woke up one day and made the decision that the tips weren't worth it for me anymore.

Thanks for the read. I hope you are all doing well and if you're a server, I hope that holiday tipper gets seated in your section soon.

xoxo

- A

PS. It's been over a year since I served a table and I STILL get server nightmares from time to time!

Breakdown

Hey readers, if there even are any,

I am writing this post in an attempt to help calm my nerves and mind. I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember and it likes to come and go periodically. These last couple weeks of work have been the worst. On Friday night it got so bad that I had an anxiety attack in the middle of my shift and had to go stand by the dumpsters as I hyperventilated and cried hysterically. It was embarrassing to have my co-workers see me like that.
My shifts on Saturday and Sunday caused so much stress and anxiety that I just sat in the parking lot after my shift ended because I couldn't even drive I was so worked up.
I know you probably think "then just quit your job if its that bad". I can't. I am only at this place for 2 more months and then I go away to school. I won't be able to find a job and make money (which I REALLY need) for the last 2 months of summer so I am stuck there. On top of it all school has been really stressful as well. I have been getting through it but this week has just been my breaking point. On top of that, I have been having a bit of home issues as well.

Everything combined has just made me feel incredibly defeated and I just want to give up and say f*ck everything. I want to just lay in my bed for hours and not do anything.

But I can't.

I'm sorry that this post is so depressing and is just me with my scattered thoughts rambling but it just feels better writing down my thoughts. It makes it feel real and may even help me to release some of the stress.

If you're reading this and have struggled or are struggling with mental health issues I just want to say, I get it. It f*cking sucks being your own worst enemy or thinking about something over and over and over and over causing you to stress out until you can't even bear the thought of facing it. You're not alone. I'm not alone.

But getting through the rough patch is like when you start getting out of the weeds at work. You feel like you climbed a mountain and even though it was the hardest thing ever, you forget the struggle as soon as you see the amazing view.

I will get to the top of this mountain soon, and you will too.

xoxox

- A